I haven't posted anything here in ages, but with GreatestJournal going belly-up and LJ crashing every other day, I thought I'd better brush off the cobwebs.

( I wish I was a better photographer )

Having the migraine from hell - eight hours and still going strong. Guh. Can it be over soon please?

Last night's Giants game was the most fun I've had in months, though. Barry spanks 761, our pitcher Noah Lowry hits a two-run homer, the bullpen steps the fuck UP for a change, and the Giants win big. If we had an entire season of that kind of goodness I'd become the most entitled, spoiled baseball fan in the world in no time! Luckily there's no danger of that happening any time soon. I wish I could have gone to tonight's game, too!

It was so good to see Terry yesterday. After this last round of surgery on her eyes, her vision will be back to normal! The Dr. cleared her to start driving again in a month. Last year she was barely out of the woods, a complete invalid for the most part, catheterized and unable to walk. Her recovery has been nothing short of miraculous. It was incredibly cathartic to sit at the ballpark shoulder to shoulder eating peanuts out of the shell with her and cheering Barry on as if time had been reversed.

Things are in a very uncomfortable state of flux and disruption in other areas of my life, but that part is a bright star of hope. If I did one good thing this time around, it was to assist Terry back from death. I'm glad of that.

It was absolutely GORGEOUS here today. This was the kind of summer weather I wish lasted all year long: 81 F, dry, cool ocean breeze, not a cloud in the clear blue sky. I spent hours outside in the sunshine, swimming and loafing around and I feel better than I have in months. I needed the sun so badly! The new DE filters for the pool work perfectly and it's sparkling clean and gorgeous, but most of August it's been too chilly to lay around the pool after swimming - the fog didn't burn off until 5 pm last Friday. Felt more like we lived in Jenner than the wine country. Today, however, was perfect for swimming and I enjoyed myself immensely. Got some color and I can still feel the warmth in my skin.

I need more sunshine. I hope this beautiful weather lasts for a while. Regardless, I'm going to enjoy every day of it while it does.

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Tomorrow I have to call Dana and cancel my surfboard tattoo appt. for next Saturday. I just haven't been able to save the money because Primo's new client didn't pay us for three weeks and we were barely making ends meet with the others prior. eBayed two bottles of my rarest scents (Snake Charmer and The Unheavenly City) but the winners got bargains - I didn't get nearly what I was hoping for for them. Jordan needed to borrow my last two paychecks to make rent and pay for her insurance, so there went that. She'll pay me back $20 at a time over the next few months because that's what she can afford. I could charge the tat, but I want to save space on the card for the trip to San Diego/Disneyland next month, and the kids need school clothes and stuff too. My tattoo can wait. That's a frivolous thing, really.

In four months I can get it done for my birthday. (=^.^=) Gotta be a grownup!

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I have been so un-posty lately! Part of it is depression and anxiety which I don't want to inflict upon my friends; part is that my output here is in direct proportion to my FL's offerings. Very few of you are posty these days. Most of my time online is taken up by my comms now, too.

Anyway. Let's hope that something wonderful and miraculous occurs for us all soon, so we'll have something to write about! (=^.^=)

The other day I was coming down hard on myself about something and as clear as day, a female voice in my head asked me, "If you can believe in divine spirits, then why can't you accept that you're a divine being too?" I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Why can't I? Why am I so anxious and afraid, and feel like I deserve to feel like this? Terry was trying to show her gratitude to me and I couldn't accept any of it. It was like she was talking about someone else, not me.

Once we switch medical insurors I'm going to get back into therapy. Not for treatment of schizophrenia; none of the voices tell me to do shit yet. lol I'm going because I'm really tired of feeling numb and hopeless. This isn't me. I deserve to experience happiness as more than a memory. I'm not any worse than any other person. We're all human. I would cut any one of you reams of slack that I wouldn't even pull an inch of for myself. I want to stop this before it gets any worse.

This sounds really shallow, but I'll be glad when the kids go back to school. A few hours alone and uninterrupted doing things that make me happy sounds like heaven. That'll help, too.

I can't wait.

Yesterday the migraine was on the left; today it's on the right side of my head. Fucking stupid headaches!! *shakes fist*

This one's both from hormones gone wild and lack of deep, restful sleep. Why is it that when you wake up in the middle of the night, every single anxiety and fear you have seems magnified by 100x? I tossed and turned for two and a half hours trying to will my brain to stop running every single worst case scenario in my life past me for examination, to no avail.

I would have shot someone for a Xanax. I've been all out for over a month. Since we've switched medical insurers I'll have to see a new Dr. to get another scrip, and Kaiser won't refill outside their plan.

It's probably good that I'm out of tranks in the long run - don't want to become dependent. But on nights like last night they are a true godsend. Sometimes all I want to do is zone out and forget everything, leave reality behind. Sleep usually provides that for me. Too bad my mind needs to fuck with me every now and then.

One day soon I'm going to make sure I have no responsibilities or places to be, lock myself in my room, and spend the entire day in a drug-induced, blissful haze. That's like a spa day for me. I love being high. Reality is too hard to bear all the time. Maybe if I had an easier life it wouldn't be, but sometimes the weight of all the bad, traumatic stuff from my past and all the uncertainty and fear of my future overwhelm me and all I want to do is run away as far and as fast as I can into unreality. Writing used to do that for me. Maybe this coming school year when I have more time ALONE during the day it can provide that creative outlet and escape for me. I sure hope so. They're both addictions, but writing is free and I can drive afterwards if I have to.

Monthly migraine day today. They suck, but this sure beats the bi-weekly migraines I was getting last year! And if I have to get them, I'm glad it came today. No work, the Fair is over, and the Giants are out of town - I won't miss anything.

I haven't had any time alone in MONTHS. God/dess, do I miss it!! I don't know what it is about us introverts but we all need a few hours strictly alone every week or we start feeling drained and overwhelmed. And since baseball season began I've been driving 120 mi. round trips and around HUGE crowds a half-dozen times a month - that wears me down as well. My inner hermit is freaking the hell out at all of the interaction and stimulation. I need a solitude break.

I really need to learn how to meditate, too! If I can't get alone time, I can at least learn how to empty my mind of all the extraneous bullshit and be at peace for a while every day. I need an aura cleaning too. I feel really spiritually disconnected and empty these days. Taking care of your physical body is great, but I have to take care of myself spiritually as well, or I suffer. < / New Age Cali BS >

Do any of you meditate? How/from whom did you learn, or did you teach yourself how? I'm sincerely interested.

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Baseball blether:

Why do the Giants only beat the fucking Dodgers in LA, and vice versa? I do not get it. I want to gloat and jeer at people in PERSON, not just at the TV.

We traded Matt Morris to the Pirates for a green outfielder and Players To Be Named Later. Morris, who was looking like he might be our ace before his terrible slump, who mentored half the young pitching staff. *sigh* I guess he was our most tradeable player, but what did we really get for him? An outfielder?? Jeez. I do not understand the GM Brian Sabean's thinking here.

Well, at least Noah, Omar, Ray Ray, Aurelia, and the other players I thought might be expendable are still here. If we're gonna be last, at least I can enjoy the team itself and not have to worry about seeing one of my favorites in another uniform any time soon.

Last Friday's game was the highlight of the season so far. What a great game! We no sooner sit down in our seats than Barry is hitting #754 and we're ahead! Despite that, Zito gives up a million base hits and we're losing - despair. Then all of the sudden the Marlin's pitching self-destructs and we're hitting homers and scoring like it's going out of style. FOUR homers in that game! The crowd goes wild. We win, we get to hear Tony Bennett sing, and then there's fireworks afterwards. THAT, my friends, is a ballgame. That was so much fun it should be illegal. That's the game you take your kids to in order to make them lifelong fans of the sport and of attending games in person.

I love high scoring games - nothing is more exciting. Pitching duels are cerebral but frustrating in their lack of action - except for no-no's, but I've never seen one of those in person. In a way that's good - I don't know if my nerves could take it! As Crash Davis says, "Strikeouts are boring. Besides that, they're fascist. Throw some ground balls - it's more democratic." And more fun!

Some habits are really difficult to kick - esp. comfort eating. When about an hour ago I found myself seriously considering a big bowl of Cocoa Krispies I knew I had to do something and quick! Luckily, Primo bought a ton of slightly unripe peaches on Friday. Today they are really ripe and need to be eaten ASAP. I made a peach crisp with Splenda instead of sugar, whole wheat flour, rolled oats, and lots of cinnamon and nutmeg. A little piece of it is reeeeeeeally good hot with a scoop of vanilla ice cream sweetened with Splenda, and sweet enough to calm even my sweet tooth.

It's not good to comfort eat, but there are days that would try anyone's resolve. At least it's fairly healthy with all the incredible ripe white and yellow peaches and the oats! We ate a super healthy dinner too - grilled skinless chicken breasts with wild rice and a huge salad w/vinaigrette dressing. I'm trying.

I'm going back on strict FA for the next two months, as well as walking at least two miles a day five days a week. I want to drop another 20 lbs. before we go to Disneyland. It will be so much more pleasant in the heat if I am slimmer! I'll just get a belt for my pants. (=^__^=)

Ever have one of those days when the only sane response to all the shit being flung your way is to go back to bed? Yeah. I'm having one of those today. I even took my last fragment of Xanax with no appreciable difference being made in the general shittiness. When Xanax doesn't help, you know you're just plain ol' fucked.

The All-Star Game and HRD were awesome - SO much fun. Today would have been a let-down no matter what. Add in one mean, asshat husband, everything going missing, the Pea nearly getting broadsided in city traffic twice, Jordan getting a fix-it ticket and not having the $$ to pay to fix her car, etc. and when I got back home I just went back to bed. I couldn't put my jammies back on because Emi is having Shelby stay over, or I would have. I want to pull the covers over my head and pretend I'm eight years old again.

Why does life have to suck so hard sometimes?

This too shall pass. (repeat x1 billion)

Had an opportunity to trade a decant of my very rare bpal scent "Snowblind" for two decants of discontinued Tarot scents last week. I got mine out Friday afternoon with no fuss whatsoever, about $2 to mail 1st class with delivery confirmation. My tradee received it this morning, two business days later. No biggy, right?

The person I swapped with turned her end of the swap into drama. *sigh* *headdesk* First she procrastinated getting to the PO, and then decided that instead of waiting until today to mail it 1st Class w/DC like I did, she should mail it Priority. For over $6! Then emailed me to complain about it with the definite hint that I should do something to compensate her for the expense and trouble - caused by her procrastination and bad decision making. Then she emails me this morning to let me know it arrived, and proceeds to tell me how horrible the scent is with her skin chemistry and how she can't understand how it can be considered so collectible. Well... I sold a decant of it for nearly as much as a brand new GC bottle costs, so how about trading it for something you might like better, Einstein? Sheesh.

Some people can make anything into an ordeal. *shakes head* What is so hard about a trip to the Post Office? Seriously. People in the bpal comms make it into the equivalent of a trek through the Himalayas. I realize that I live in the city, but it's a ten minute drive to one of four annexes here, and maybe five minutes in line? What's so fucking difficult about that? If it's such an ordeal, don't trade or sell. Seems rather simple to me. People are always happy about how quickly stuff I send arrives. I just mail it when I say I'm going to. Not an achievement.

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Going to the Home Run Derby today! (=^__^=) We went to the Futures/Old Timers/Celebrity games yesterday and had a blast. They were poorly attended, but that just added to the wonderfulness of it AFAIWC - no lines for anything, no tall person sitting in front of me, etc. Ruled! There was a player on the USA team in the Futures game who looked EXACTLY like Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez from "Sandlot" - made Emi's day! Then watching JT Snow wearing shorts jump onto Robb Nen's back and ride him like a big horsey was worth the price of admission. lol! Jerry Rice homered twice and then did ballroom dance moves. It just ruled.

It's gonna be interesting today. They're having a big parade for the All Star's prior to the game, at 1 pm. Gates don't open until 2 pm. The entire area is going to be a huge zoo for BLOCKS, then there's gigantic lines to get into the park because of the metal detectors. I don't know when we should leave to get there, and if we should just park downtown and take a taxi there or hike in or what. Should be interesting!

I'll take lots of photos tonight but I will not vouch for their quality. (=^_^=)

To all who have sent/are sending good wishes, positive thoughts, prosperity magic, etc. - THANK YOU!!!!! Primo landed a fantastic new client today! Things are going to be a LOT easier financially. I so appreciate them all!

xoxoxo

You know what's really pissing me off lately? Well tough - you're finding out! All the Harry Potter spoiler icons on LJ. I want to slap a bitch. *fumes* WTF is wrong with some people? Why do they get off on being an asshole? What is so great about being loathed? Srsly. I just don't get people who have fun by wrecking the fun for others.

Sometimes I'm pretty sure that I'm an asshole... until I encounter true assholes. Then I realize that while I may have my moments, I just don't have it in me to be one. I have too much compassion and empathy to ever be happy making other's angry and sad.

Oh dear jeebis it was hot here today!! Easily over 100F - it was almost 80F inside the house by 1 pm. It's now 8 pm and the temp. just went under 80F. I am sooo glad we have window ACs and a swamp cooler downstairs, not to mention all the ceiling and stand fans. Bleah. I hate feeling trapped inside the house because of the weather.

The heat's supposed to break tomorrow - don't ask me how, as I see and feel no evidence of fog right now! But the forecast high is only supposed to be 89F. I'm so glad we'll be down in the City over the next five days! It's always cooler there than up here.

Other than the All Star Game festivities coming up, it's been boring as hell around here. Last night we decided to drive over to the beautiful new Christopherson subdivision they're building in the hills behind the Fairgrounds, to park and watch the fireworks show. It was so much fun! We found a great empty cul-de-sac and watched the show up close and with the radio on playing the music simulcast. I love fireworks! I never miss a fireworks night at the yard, the ballpark - that's one promotional game I won't sell. Then we came home and sat in the spa and had sugar-free apple pie and ice cream sweetened with Splenda. It was good!

Jordan and her roomies had a huge BBQ/kegger for all their friends yesterday and she came by today to borrow money so they don't get their utilities turned off. lol That's 21 yr. old prioritizing for ya! Beer bash >>>> bills. Every day she drops by to use the computer, eat, and bring food home with her. I don't care. It's good to see her even if she is mooching.

See? Nothing to write about. (=^.^=)

I'm okay. We've had some pretty bad financial setbacks in June and things are stressed and tough right now, but I'm putting on the brave face and refuse to consider that they'll stay bad. Primo interviewed with Domaine Chandon and a major cable company for controller/Sr. Accountant positions, so we'll keep our fingers crossed. (If you do such stuff, please burn a green prosperity candle for us/send out a spiritual SOS for us this weekend, would you? I'd really appreciate it.)

We have enough money to pay most of the bills, and we're safe. That's all that matters. I really wish I hadn't run out Xanax, but that doesn't fall under the heading of crisis, not yet anyway. :^) You know, sometimes it's tough. I try to appreciate the fat times all the more because I know these lean times will come, and hopefully pass quickly.

Everyone is healthy. I'm not eating as well as I could, but I'm not going to stress about it right now. I'm still slowly losing weight even if I'm not eating as healthfully as I ought to. I'm staying low-gly, and that's what matters.

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Blondie is on the BBC Crown Jewels on VH1 Classic right now. I idolize this band - what a great, fun, innovative pop band they were! I was such a new wave girl in the late 70's. lol Sunday Girl always made me question my sexual orientation... I may be straight, but Debbie Harry was a goddess.

Dreaming is perfect for right now, for me. Perfect.

When I met you in the restaurant
You could tell I was no debutante
You asked me what's my pleasure
A movie or a measure?
I'll have a cup of tea, and tell you of my dreaming
Dreaming is free

I don't want to live on charity
Pleasure's real or is it fantasy?
Reel to reel is living rarity
People stop and stare at me
We just walk on by - we just keep on dreaming

Dreaming is free

I suppose I should have long outgrown my dreaming, boho youthful hopeful streak, but not yet, thank Goddess. It lends a romantic tinge to what would otherwise be quite gritty and boring ol' struggling to get by.

I really hate stupid, sexist, shallow men today.

One of the men on my Ell Jay FL posted the following.

"So, yesterday (poor soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend) asked me to be completely open and honest with her about our relationship because she didn't want there to be anything hidden.  I agreed.  I told her that she is better than anyone else in my life before.  That there is simply one thing that bothers me, and that is that she is a bit overweight.  This isn't her fault per se, she has hyperthyroidism, and so, despite not really eating much, her metabolism is such that she does not loose the excess weight.  She has responded that her head is spinning right now and that I shouldn't settle.  I feel like I shouldn't have said anything.  We've had so many wonderful times together.  I hope we can get through this.  I hope I can find a way to deal with this, since this is my concern. 

It makes me feel shallow."</i>

You ARE shallow. You're also exactly like the vast, vast majority of men in the world who feel EXACTLY the same way you do. At least they're up front about it. I feel so sorry for your poor soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend. You tricked her into thinking you were different and special, when you are not. Her heart is breaking and it's totally your fault. You hurt someone who loved you and probably irreparably damaged her self-esteem in the bargain. I hope you suffer too.

You are the guy who sneeringly called me a fat chick as if it was the worst insult imaginable, for no other reason than I was unlucky enough to be standing in front of him at the time - and it WAS the worst insult imaginable to him. My very existence offended him that badly. You are the men who think you're doing me a favor by being my friend and flirting with me. You are the men who openly sneer at and mock me for not starving myself to conform to your sexual fantasies, as if it's perfectly logical and reasonable that my self-esteem should be based upon societal expectations and hetero, mundane sexual fantasies. You are a pig. You are the paradigm.

You are one reason why I stay with my spouse. He might be a lying, abusive, unfaithful jerk, but he doesn't care how much I weigh - hell, he loves fat chicks. Men who admire and cherish fat women aren't exactly lying thick on the ground.

You are why, when I have dropped to a "normal" weight, I will trust all men about as far as I can throw them. You are why I'll show anyone who expresses an interest in me pictures of myself at my top weight and say "Check it out - it could happen again! Still warm for my form?" You are why I devoutly wish I were asexual.

Thanks for tearing my own personal self-esteem wounds wide open and pouring a little salt into them. Thank you for reminding me what I'm up against every time I leave my house. Thanks a million, pal.

R.I.P. Rod Beck. I was just talking to Emilee about him on Friday, about that legendary mullet (she was watching Hannah Montana w/Billy Ray Cyrus's daughter, so the subject of mullets came up), and how one SF Chronicle sportswriter once said that both the tiny Latino right- and centerfielders at the time could fit inside his uniform at once. I watched him close many games at Candlestick.

He was only 38. That's way too young.

My house is DISGUSTING. We went to games on Friday and Saturday, and yesterday's game wore me out. We left for the City at 11 am and as it turned into a 13 inning marathon, we weren't home until after dinner. I was way too beat to even pick up, much. How does a house get so dirty when no one's in it? There's pet hair in drifts in the corners, the litter box is an abomination, the bathrooms look like a horror movie, all our sheets need changing, it's dusty, and somehow there is a sink full of dirty dishes. Geh. That's all I'll be doing the next... two days or so.

Gotta pace myself. lol

July is going to be baseball month! We're going to go to the whole Diamondbacks series next weekend - Terry's coming down and it's Emi's birthday. Barry Zito Bobblehead day on the Blue moon! Then we've got All-Star game WEEK. Something is going on from Friday-Tuesday! That's going to be a complete zoo - we'll have to drive down 19th to 280 and then double back, and Terry will be with us so we'll need to find the closest parking we can find. After that, it's Primo's birthday and the game that day.

The ALL-STAR GAME, though. We get to go to the All-Star Game, watch the Home Run Derby from our own seats. It's going to RULE. *huge geeky baseball grin* I got to totally geek out on bpal in May, and in July it's baseball geekery to the millionth power. Then in August we're going to see Def Leppard. *bounces*

Emilee is really looking forward to that concert in a non-ironic way. She's taken a sudden liking to Def Leppard's back catalog. lol She loves concerts, so she's making the best of going to this one with the 'rents, I guess!

September we're taking a week to go watch the series in San Diego! We're going to rent a house on the beach and have bbqs and swim and boogie board etc. Then we're driving up to LA and going to Disneyland for three days and nights. It's going to FUCKING ROCK. lol I haven't been to Disneyland in too damn long, and in Sept. it will be off-season but still hot and summery. I cannot wait.

Kathy, do you live too terribly far from Anaheim? I'd love to hook up with you for dinner one night!

In between swabbing out toilets, we're working on the mess in the yard today too. Primo switched the gazebo and spa and now we need to build a new redwood gazebo around the spa and run electrical so we can turn it back on and run fairy lights around it. It's going to be really pretty, but right now the whole yard looks like a fucking tornado went through it.

Oooh. Gimme Shelter is on XM radio.

Jordan and I were talking about the Beatles and the Rolling Stones the other day when she was over here, about how you usually like one or the other group and their output a lot more, who is better, etc. We both agree Beatles >>>>>> Rolling Stones, but there are quite a few Stones songs I admire and truly love - I just think the Beatles were perfection. She hates every song the Stones ever did!! I think that's odd. They were a great band back in the day.

Gimme Shelter is such a delightfully creepy, scary, weird and beautiful rock song - it's a perfect vampire song, so I have to love it. Guitar solo is amazing, rough and dark and grindy. The woman's vocals give me goose bumps all over. The entire song = genius.

How can you not like ANY Stones song?? Satisfaction? Everyone loves that song, don't they? Jumpin' Jack Flash? Sympathy For the Devil? Brown fucking Sugar?? C'mon. One...?

Sheesh!

Now You Shook Me by Zep is on the radio. Damn. It's great grindy classic rock day around here today! *cranks up the radio*

(Emi just saw me playing air guitar and singing like Robert Plant and said "Ewww. You're so old." *crushed*
I kicked her in the knee. lol)

EDIT: My friends fucking rock like !!!!!! Dan just sent me this version of Gimme Shelter by Queensryche, with ANNE FUCKING WILSON on the female vocal!!!

If I wasn't fixed I'd have his babies. lol Hell, let's be honest, Mattie - I'd unfix myself and have his babies just because he's so hot. ;^D

Link: The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test written by weirdscience on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

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This cracked me the hell up. Of course I am a Princess; I drive a Pea! Sillies.

Link: The What Type of Gay Guy Are You Test written by Hwiorae on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Bento lunchbox wank. *shakes head*

Can someone please explain to me exactly what is interesting about bento boxes and their contents? Is it because they're Japanese? Are all things Asian still that exotic to the country at large? Why?

What is with all the rules? They even have a FAQ. Can we all possibly be MORE anal-retentive? I bet that mod can stand up and lift a sofa just with the suction from her asshole.

I wonder if the Japanese have huge comms devoted to taking pictures of a ham sandwich, bag of Ruffles, a banana and a juice box in a brown paper sack. Do they obsess over the style/color/quality of the sacks themselves, and wank if someone puts Japanese food in them?

I bet somewhere, Japanese people are laughing themselves sick.

I so do not get it. Bento boxes?? Oy.